Three Days in a Cubicle

It's been an interesting and strangely emotional week. My first day of work was Tuesday, so let's start there.

I am so used to taking my sweet time in the morning that I, of course, was 10 minutes late leaving the house. The morning traffic was horrendous while I sat on the bus inching my way towards the Lincoln Tunnel. A friend of mine sent me an email with the verse "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you" because he knew it was my first day of work. It's like he preempted what I was going to feel even though I didn't feel afraid at the time. Honestly, at that point in the day it still hadn't really hit me that I was back in the 'real world'. But that was soon to change.

As the bus came out of the tunnel and into NYC, I saw the skyscrapers and was quickly reminded of how 'scary' this city can be. The tall buildings, the powerful and important people, the toughness and attitudes, the hustle and bustle, the wealth and fame. Everywhere along the commute there were lines and crowds and I had to wait in intervals. Walk. Stop. Get on escalators. Walk. Go through door. Go through turnstile. Wait. Get on train. Wait. Get off train. Wait. Go upstairs. Walk. My commute that morning to work was 1 hour and 45 minutes. I got to the office 15 minutes late. I apologized to the couple of people that I ran into as I was coming in but no one seemed to notice or care that I was late. I started feeling nervous as I met some of my colleagues and was introduced to my temporary cubicle. It was becoming more and more of a reality. I read through the employee's manual that morning and was faced with the realization that I had 10 vacation days per year and that I can only start taking vacation days after 8 months of being on the job. Why did I come back to work again?! Can I really live for God from this cubicle?! As the day went on, I began to be more and more terrified that I had made a mistake and that perhaps I will once again be drawn into worldly routines without purpose.

We get an hour long lunch and I decided to take up the entire hour. As I walked around thinking about what I wanted to eat, it dawned on me that I was in the same exact place as I was before I started this blog a year ago, literally. I was walking along the same streets, seeing the same buildings, probably even passing by the same people. The only things that were different was that they stopped serving my favorite salad at cosi and the salad line at europa is now formed in another direction. I thought, am I insane for coming back to the same exact place I was before I left?! What's the point of me leaving in the first place, did I not learn anything?! What am I doing here again?!

I continued to not have anything to do in the afternoon, it's my first day, understandable. Perhaps it's not a good thing to have so much time to think on my first day. I began to compare my current job with my previous job. And how financially it is absolutely illogical that I made the move. If I'm going to have to be stuck behind a desk all day, why shouldn't I just take the job that paid me WAY more and work a couple of more hours a day? If I don't care about money, which I don't, why don't I just work around the corner from my parents' house at a dry cleaners or a CVS and that way I can just take off whenever God calls me to go somewhere for a few months? These thoughts continued in my head, so that by the time I was on the bus on my way home (there were no seats left on the bus so I was standing), I was seriously considering quitting. Not because the job was bad (I just had nothing to do so far), or the people were mean (they were all extremely nice), I was just frustrated and scared and mad and terrified that I was making a mistake and that my life was going to be deemed by God to be worthless because I wasn't doing anything for Him.

The verse that my friend sent me early in the day completely slipped out of my mine. I was self pity partying and frustrated. But after I got home and ate dinner, I made myself pray and read the Word. I knew I was wrong. My mindset was not fixed on God, it was thinking all from worldly perspectives and human wisdom. I repented for grumbling and complaining and doubting. I prayed for wisdom and peace. If He wants me to stay put, that means He has a purpose for me there. And I will embrace that and be content. If He wants me to pick up and go, then I'll do it. I just need to know if that's where He wants me. I felt much better, but still didn't want to talk about it with anyone, so I crawled into bed before either of my parents came home.

The next couple of days at work were much better. I had a different attitude and mindset throughout the day. It's all in God's hands. He's the one who has to tell me if He wants me to do something different, I've already told him that I'll do whatever He tells me. So for now, I just need to be faithful with where I am and what I'm doing. The commutes were a bit shorter, 1 hour and 30 minutes each way. I am trying to be disciplined in reading the Bible on my commutes and during lunch, but it's a struggle for me. I find myself drifting away and start daydreaming or getting tired and falling asleep on the bus. I also need to find time to start going to the gym after work and figure out where and how God wants me to serve when I'm not at work. Yesterday was an interesting day. A few of us sat in a conference room and stuffed envelopes because an important letter had to go out to all of our clients. It was nice to sit and chat for a bit while we did something that did not require thinking. I was also assigned to my first project with a new client. And guess what, the client is a church in the city. We are helping them with their financial strategy and investments. Also, from looking in the meeting notes, there might be a possibility to give a financial seminar to the congregation at some point down the road. I am excited to be working with them, albeit indirectly, since I am at the bottom of the totem pole. That was one of the things that I wanted to be involved in when I looked into the financial field, to be able to advise churches and Christians on financial topics.

So all in all, I am feeling optimistic about the job. There are a few quirky people in the office, as I'm starting to notice. But what company doesn't have its quirks? And I know there is no such thing as a perfect job or a perfect position. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." It doesn't matter who (or what) 'them' is. I don't need to be afraid or terrified, for the Lord my God goes with me, He will never leave me nor forsake me.