Blissful Frolicking in the Daisy Field

I was having dinner with a friend recently and we were talking about how we've never really experienced the blissful romantic relationship that some girls seem to have, the "frolicking in the daisy field" feeling. Maybe I've felt it a couple of weeks or days at a time, but soon enough, a paranoid thought, fear of making a mistake, over-analyzing, memories from the past take over and I'm in panic, scared and defensive mode. It's almost like I am afraid to be happy when it comes to relationships, I think of all the what ifs, what was, what might be, what could have been to make sure that I have all my bases covered. As soon as I see something that might be a concern or a potential red flag, or if it's just something that bothers me, I will have the tendency to analyze it to death or let it totally consume me. When faced with a situation where I could be hurt, my defense mechanism immediately kicks in and I convince myself that I don't care and I brace for the other person to just walk away. Sometimes I wondered if it's just the situations I was in, but more and more I am thinking that it's a total character flaw on my part. I think that I literally sabotage myself.

I think over the past few years I have really learned how to be joyful and happy and content as a single person, enjoying life and freedom, being able to focus more on my relationship with God. I haven't felt the consistent insecurity or fear of getting hurt that I used to feel, even though sometimes it still surfaces when I take my eyes off of Him. So I thought that perhaps I had been 'cured' of my psychotic nature when it comes to relationships. But I am starting to realize that it's just been laying dormant. I guess just like the revelation I had awhile back that loving someone is a choice that we have to make each day, being joyful and content is also a choice that we make on a continuing basis. While I need to acknowledge the fact that nothing and no one is perfect, I can take comfort in knowing that God is perfect. His perfect love for me casts out fear because I can always depend on His love no matter what the circumstances. There is a verse in a song that says 'I want to love like I'm not afraid'. If our security and worth and affirmation are found in Christ, then we shouldn't be afraid to love.

I was also recently reminded that the more you care about someone the more vulnerable you are to getting hurt by them. We only understand and experience a small part of this love and vulnerability. God has placed Himself in the most vulnerable position of all, He loves us unconditionally, even those who don't love Him back. Even those of us who claim to love Him do things that are hurtful and disappointing to Him. The small amount of hurt and suffering we go through is nothing compared to what He has to endure.

I know I need to just keep my eyes on Jesus and to keep moving forward. Maybe one day, I will know what it feels like to be in a state of bliss, frolicking in the daisy field, literally or figuratively.