Reign Over Me

I just finished watching the movie Reign Over Me. Wow. I've cried during movies before, but I have never uncontrollably sobbed during a movie, until tonight. I think what hit me so hard was the reality of it. The reality that we all have painful memories, and how we 'don't like remembering' them. Charlie is a guy who lost his wife and 3 kids during 9/11. And now he lives a life where he plays video games, listens to music and anything else to distract him from remembering the family he lost. But everyone wants to 'help' him and to get him to 'talk about it' so he can get his life back and be a 'normal' person. At first, I was one of those people, I thought, he can't live like this, pretending like his family never existed. But as the movie went on, it becomes clearer and clearer just how painful the memories were. I started thinking about things in my life that I'd rather forget and erase as if they'd never happened. And how easily certain memories are triggered by something seemingly insignificant that happens in the present, and how difficult it is to stop those memories from flooding into my brain. Then I took what I feel and remember and magnified it to feelings and memories of a spouse and 3 kids. And THAT'S the reality of the pain that Charlie felt. I completely understood why he chose to 'not remember'. If the memories truly cause that much pain to a person, why can't people just leave him alone and let him not think about it?

Sometimes I wish I'd have terrible memory, but I don't. We have pleasant memories, and we have painful ones. I guess that's all part of being human, living in a world where sin exists. I am thankful that we have God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, who helps us through the pain on this earth, and through whom we will no longer have pain when we are with Him for eternity. My aunt said something very insightful yesterday. She said that we don't know how much we love God or another person until we are put in a situation when a decision needs to be made. We may think or hope we love God with 'all our hearts', but when that time comes to 'prove' it, it's THEN that we will actually know. That is why we are tested, not for God to know, He already knows, but it's for US to know. The test tells us how much of our life has been given over to Him, so we can make adjustments based on that knowledge. A lot of times when we are being tested and put in a situation or circumstance that may seem bad, our first instinct is 'Ack, how did this happen? how could this happen? this doesn't make sense? why? why?' as if what just happened threw a monkey wrench into God's perfect plan. Like God is saying, 'oh no! what am I going to do with this!' It happened to me one day, in the morning before work, I specifically remember praying that no matter what the circumstances, that I'd put my faith and trust in Him and know that He is in control. I was having a wonderful day, I was humming along at work, la-di-da. Then later in the day, 'monkey wrench thrown in'. I was like, what?!@?!@?! For an hour, I complained and threw a fit in my room. Then I remembered what I prayed earlier that day and slowly became encouraged. GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL!! He is not caught off guard you idiot (me, not you)!! Gosh, it's SO easy to allow circumstances to take over. Whew.

Alright it's time for bed. I can already feel my eyes getting heavy from the crying. Oye, I know the swollen eyes is almost inevitable tomorrow, great. I guess I deserve it :)