.... according to wikipedia, a faux pas is a violation of accepted, although unwritten, social rules. Faux pas vary widely from culture to culture and what is considered good manners in one culture can be considered a faux pas in another... keep this in mind as you read my story.
Less than two years ago, I decided to switch hair stylists. Partly because I wanted to get my hair done in NYC rather than having to make a trip out to NJ. Partly because I no longer wanted to make conversation with my hair stylist.
For about 4 years the conversation went something like this...
Hair stylist: so how are things with your boyfriend?
Me: good
Hair stylist: are you getting married soon?
Me: no, not yet
Hair stylist: oh, it's okay you're still young
Then for about 1 year it went something like this...
Hair stylist: so do you have a boyfriend?
Me: no, I haven't met anyone
Hair stylist: so what happened with your old boyfriend?
Me: oh, it just didn't work out
Hair stylist: it's okay, you're still young
I wondered how many years will have to go by before I'm no longer considered 'young'. I figured I'd better find another hair stylist before that happened. Now I go to a Japanese hair stylist who doesn't speak English. It's been working out quite nicely.
Now fast forward to this past weekend. I went to the bakery I used to work at during my high school years to pick up a cake for mother's day. I used to work with the lady that was working at the bakery on Sunday, so we are acquaintances. Interestingly, she is the older sister of my old hair stylist. As she was putting my cake in a box, she began to make 'small talk'.
Bakery lady: still no husband?
[WHAT??!!! Who starts off a conversation with 'still no husband'?!]
Me: [shocked and furious on the inside but politely smiling on the outside] no, still no husband
Bakery lady: how come?
[ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Who follows up 'still no husband' with 'HOW COME'?? So many obnoxious replies ran through my head, but I held back.]
Me: [I couldn't look at her as I said these words, for fear that my anger would show in my face even though my voice was polite and cheery] I don't know, I guess I just haven't met the right person.
I walked to the car and decided that it might be time to find a new bakery. The lifetime discounts may not be worth the questions I have to put up with.
So back to faux pas. Should it not be a faux pas 'regardless of culture or nationality' to ask someone why she doesn't have a husband?! Not only is it rude, but it's one of the stupidest questions you can ask someone, especially someone you barely know! Plus there was absolutely no context for it! I would love to know in what culture, if any, it's acceptable to start off a conversation with 'still no husband?'
I know I might sound a bit harsh. Because to be fair, it is possible that someone may choose to not marry for some reason or other. But the whole scenario was just so ridiculous to me at the time that I felt like yelling, laughing and crying all at once. At least it makes for a humorous story to look back on =P
4 comments:
It should be, but I've never met an Asian woman who thought it was inappropriate. At all.
After reading your post, I laughed because I can so relate to your situation. I've faced so many of those uncomfortable conversation starters growing up not only from acquaintances but from my own family as well (yes, all Asian elders)...from "no baby yet?!" (after being married like, what 2 seconds) to "wow, did you gain weight?!" Andrew used to get appalled whenever I get asked questions like that, now we laughed it off.
Here's a joke one of my friends told me a long time ago after hearing one of those questions being asked (yes, right in front of my friend):
"At a wedding, an older lady was elbowing a younger woman without any preamble, saying "don't worry dear, you'll be next". Then the next time they met, they happened to be standing next to each other again, this time at a funeral. The younger woman decided to elbow the older woman, like she had at the wedding, saying "don't worry dear, you'll be next"."
A little mean spirited, but funny.
I have been there but not as severely because I don't think it's as common in American culture. But it doesn't change when you get married. Like Sam said, I had a hard time with the first person that asked me how many kids we would have. I was thinking, "Can I please talk to my future husband about it first?" But it was an innocent question to the friend so I decided to relax. Good thing becasue a lot more people asked! I guess it's good to believe people have good intentions toward you but I definitely know how frustrating it can feel. Stand strong! Love you! Victoria
jen's comment is funny, especially after reading your post!
wait til you get pregnant, you will wish the comments were as mild as "why aren't you married"...lol...now who in their right mind would ask this one..."how much wait have you gained?!?!?!" lol
Post a Comment